“Grief is not here to take us hostage, but instead to reshape us in some fundamental way, to help us become our mature selves, capable of living in the creative tension between grief and gratitude.  In doing so, our hearts are ripened and made available for the great work of loving our lives and this astonishing world.”

– Francis Weller, “The Wild Edge of Sorrow”

One year ago, my mother passed away from stage four colon cancer. In her final months, I was blessed with the sacred role of being her caretaker. Our journey together during that time is one I hold close to my heart—a story I will continue to share with others who find themselves either navigating the deep waters of caregiving or processing the profound loss of a loved one.

This past year has been filled with the ebbs and flows of grief, moments where emotions unexpectedly surge even in the most ordinary of days. As I prepared for the anniversary of my mother’s passing, I reflected on the promise that God spoke to me as I finished my time of prayer and was preparing to exercise, “I will brace you for the impact.” I assumed these words would carry me through the days leading up to the anniversary. However, I have come to realize that this promise was meant to sustain me in the days and moments that followed.

Over the past few days, I’ve experienced restless nights, struggling to fall asleep. The moment I would lie down, memories of my mother’s final moments would resurface. I found myself recalling small details and wondering, “What were her last thoughts? How did she feel?” I also thought about the strength I somehow mustered during the funeral and in the days afterward, reflecting on how I managed to keep my emotions in check. It surprised me that I did not grieve in the way others seemed to expect. My tears were reserved for private moments; there was no space for me to grieve openly because, true to my nature, I was more focused on caring for others, making space for them to grieve.

What stood out, was that these thoughts carried no emotions with them. As much as I wanted to feel something, anything, so I could process the memories, there was nothing. During my therapy session yesterday, my therapist asked if I felt numb. Numb? That word felt too cold, too detached. I did not feel disconnected; in fact, I felt deeply connected to each memory. It was like watching a film on repeat, unable to fast-forward or switch to a more pleasant scene. I felt stuck, unable to experience sadness or loneliness. Eventually, frustration and anger set in because I could not sleep, and I couldn’t understand why these memories were resurfacing. The reality was that I was not angry because I couldn’t sleep; I was indeed angry because I was missing the main piece that held my life together.

Out of frustration, I finally asked God, “How do I navigate through moments like this?” His simple reply came: “Gratitude.”

In that moment, I was reminded of something Tasha Cobbs Leonard shared in her book, “Do it Anyway,” where she spoke about using gratitude to process the pain of her father’s death. As I began to create space for gratitude to exist alongside my painful memories, I realized that I was also making space for God’s sovereignty to reign. It wasn’t about choosing one emotion over the other; it was about allowing both to exist together, trusting that God’s grace would meet me in that tension.

Gratitude in grief does not deny the pain; instead, it creates room for both emotions to coexist. It enables us to acknowledge what we still have, whether it’s the cherished memories of our loved ones, the support of others, or the strength we gain through our faith. By focusing on the gifts that emerge through the journey of loss — such as personal growth, deepened relationships, and God’s sustaining presence — we cultivate peace and resilience.

In my expression of gratitude, I began to thank God for the time I spent with my mama. I thanked Him for the blessing of having her as my mother. She was truly a wonderful mom! I continued to list everything I was thankful for until I eventually fell asleep. Through it all, I felt God’s presence and the comfort I so desperately needed.

This morning, as I opened my Bible app to read the verse of the day. These words covered my heart with God’s love:

“Even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me.” – Psalms 139:10 (NLT)

As you can tell, I ask my Heavenly Father a lot of questions. So my question this morning was, “Even there…where?”

Even there in my painful memories and dark moments of grief, God is there! As I journaled what I am sharing with you in this blog post. I also began to write out Psalms 139:1-12. I encourage you to journal through Psalm 139 and reflect on what the Spirit of the Lord reveals.

Psalm 139 beautifully illustrates God’s intimate knowledge of us and His constant presence, even in our most difficult moments. When we make space for gratitude in grief, we can find comfort in the truths woven into this psalm. It speaks to God’s nearness, understanding, and care for every detail of our lives.

Psalm 139 reminded me that God knows my every thought, sees my every tear, and is with me wherever I go, even in the depths of my sorrow. Verses 7-10 say, “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there… even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” This assurance of God’s presence makes room for gratitude, as we realize that we are never alone in our grief.

By focusing on my intimate relationship with God and His involvement in my life, even in my most vulnerable moments, I found reasons for gratitude. I thanked Him for understanding my pain when no one else does, for walking with me through the valleys, and for guiding me with His comforting hand.

Psalm 139 also speaks of God’s perfect design and purpose for us, reminding us that even in times of loss, His plan for our lives is still unfolding in ways we may not fully understand.

When we look at grief through the lens of Psalm 139, gratitude becomes a way to acknowledge God’s care for us. In thanking Him for His continual presence and the ways He carries us through the shadows of loss, we are reminded that there is still beauty and purpose in our journey and that God’s love surrounds us. Even when we feel broken. This psalm invites us to rest in God’s sovereign love, opening our hearts to the healing that gratitude brings during grief.

As I shared my experiences with my husband James, he stated, “Grief must be exercised!” Of course, his statement caught my attention. He always challenges me to find what works for me. Prayerfully, this will work for you too.

This is what works for me and how I “Exercise Grief”:

1. Acknowledge Your Emotions

Exercising grief starts with acknowledging the emotions that come with loss. Whether they are sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, numbness, or even relief. Instead of pushing these feelings aside, you face them honestly. This might involve crying, talking about your grief, or writing about your feelings. I did all three and this made space for the emotions I was suppressing to surface. I was able to process each emotion and eventually release them.  

2. Create Space for Your Grief

Just as you set aside time for your physical health, exercising grief means giving yourself time to sit with and explore your grief. I do this through reflection, journaling, prayer, and walks. I try to be intentional about giving myself permission to grieve, rather than rushing through the process. I made a promise not to run away from grief but to face it, even when it appears in the ordinary moments of my day.

3. Engage in Healing Practices

Exercising grief involves engaging in activities that support healing:

• Spiritual Disciplines: I’ve dedicated time for prayer, meditation, scripture study, and grounding myself in God’s promises and comfort.
• Counseling/Support Groups: I advocate for counseling! As a biblical counselor, I prioritize my mental and spiritual health. I have joined and completed two grief support groups, where I could express my feelings and receive support from others. I am currently in individual grief therapy and learning new ways to reframe my thoughts around grief.
• Journaling: I journal to help process my thoughts and emotions. I practice two-way journaling, asking God questions and writing what surfaces in my heart. I also write out the scriptures I’m led to read and the prayers I’ve prayed during each entry.
• Physical Activity: I engage in physical activity to release built-up tension and stress, whether through walking, running, or stretching. If you can’t engage in a physical activity, then do some deep breathing exercises.

4. Find Meaning and Purpose

Exercising grief also means finding meaning in your loss, which can help you move forward with a sense of purpose. I reflect on how much my mom meant to me and how I can continue her legacy. In honor of our mother, my brother and I have created a nonprofit organization, the “Coach Cornelia A. Jackson Foundation.” Our mother was a revered educator, mentor, and advocate for youth empowerment. The foundation aims to provide scholarships, mentorship programs, and resources to empower students to achieve their academic potential, pursue their passions, and become compassionate leaders in their communities. Through our commitment to equity, access, and inclusivity, we strive to create pathways to success for students from diverse backgrounds, ensuring that every young person has the opportunity to thrive and make a positive impact in the world. [More details to follow].

For you, this may involve reflecting on what the person meant to you and how their legacy can continue in your life. It could be participating in causes or actions that honor the person you lost, giving you a constructive outlet for your grief.

5. Allow Grief to Transform You

Exercising grief involves recognizing that grief is not something you simply “get over.” Rather, it’s something that, when fully processed, transforms you. This process is known as Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG), the positive psychological change that an individual experiences after a life crisis or traumatic event. Over time, the intense pain will soften, and you will find new strength, deeper empathy for others, and a clearer understanding of what matters most in your life.

It’s crucial to acknowledge how you are evolving after the loss of your loved one. One mantra I hold dear is my mother’s words: “Baby girl, you will miss me when I am gone, but you need to live your life!”

My Spiritual Perspective on Exercising Grief

From a biblical perspective, exercising grief aligns with the idea that there is a time and season for everything, as Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 states: “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens… a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” Exercising grief honors the mourning process while trusting that, in time, God will bring healing and even joy again.

Grief is not something to escape or avoid, but to face with God’s help. Psalm 34:18 reminds us that, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” As you exercise grief, you lean on God for strength, knowing that He walks with you through the pain, holding you close as you heal.

Exercising grief is an active, intentional process. It’s about leaning into your pain, expressing it in healthy ways, and working through it with God’s help. By doing so, you allow grief to shape you, strengthen you, and eventually, help you find healing and hope on the other side. I encourage you to write out your strategies on how you can exercise your grief.

Download Your Copy:
Click download to access the “Making Space for Gratitude in Grief” Devotional Journal and begin your journey of reflection and healing.

I welcome your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to reply to this post with your comments, questions, or insights. Your perspective is valuable, and I’d love to hear from you!

Prayer of Gratitude in Grief

Heavenly Father,

You know my heart completely. You understand the depths of my pain, my sorrow, and my loss. Even when I feel alone, Your Word in Psalm 139 assures me that You are with me. There is no place I can go where You aren’t already there, offering comfort and guiding me with Your love.

In the midst of my grief, I want to make space for gratitude. Lord, help me to see the blessings that remain even in this brokenness. Thank You for the memories and moments I’ve shared with my mom. Thank You for the people You’ve placed around me to support and encourage me during this time.

I thank You for being near, even when I feel distant from everything familiar. I am grateful for Your constant presence, knowing that You see every tear and hear every sigh. Help me to trust in Your plan, even when it feels hard to understand, and to rest in Your promise that You are working all things for good.

As I walk through this valley, give me the strength to lean on You and to continue finding reasons to be thankful. Open my eyes to the ways You are carrying me, sustaining me, and giving me hope. Let gratitude soften the pain, and may Your peace fill the empty places in my heart.

In Jesus’ name,
Amen.